Hearing “Mama” Never Gets Old

(Previous blog post from March 27, 2023)

My primary responsibility (beyond disciple of Jesus) is being a mama. It’s a gift I always knew I wanted. And yet, I never thought it would look like this. Or maybe I should say, I never thought my heart would soften to this degree to fully embrace it as I have. It is a complete transformation by God.

Now, lest I lead you to believe something that is false, let me be clear. Being a mama is both the best and hardest thing I have ever done. It has literally brought out parts of me I never would have wanted to be brought forth and celebrated.

And it has highlighted aspects of me that show my deep brokenness and need for Jesus.

So, a prominent part of this blog will be vulnerable and real glimpses into what it means for me to be a mama and all that comes with that.

But I wanted to start by sharing a bit of my story leading up to becoming a mama.

I got married when I was 32. That being said, we didn’t try to have kids right away; we waited a little over a year. And when we did start trying to get pregnant, we didn’t have a problem getting pregnant, but rather carrying our baby. I had a miscarriage with our first pregnancy. And a day after finding out I had a miscarriage, I found out I also had a molar pregnancy. I’m guessing you haven’t heard of that, because up until then, neither had I. In short, a molar pregnancy results from problems that occur when sperm fertilize an egg. In a typical pregnancy, a placenta forms to nourish the growing embryo, but a placenta doesn’t form normally in molar pregnancies.

In addition to losing my baby, the medical follow-up needed with a molar pregnancy is extensive and does not allow a person to try to get pregnant again for at least a year. It felt like a loss followed by another loss.

And as much as I didn’t want to focus on a timeline as to when I “should” have children, I felt like my age was a factor. So it felt more urgent, which just created greater anxiety for me during that time.

But God…

I don’t say that lightly. I know it gets said a lot, but for me this was just the beginning of fully giving up my timelines, dreams, and plans to submit fully to His. It was painful, hard, lonely, heavy and also one of the most freeing decisions I have ever made and continue to make.

After I completed the medical plan following my molar pregnancy, we tried again to get pregnant and several months later welcomed our baby boy.

He was everything I had ever dreamed of and way more.

My transition into motherhood was rough, however. I was still working full-time as a teacher at that time and feeling less-than in all areas of my life.

But God…

After completing the school year just before my son turned one, I decided that would be my last year of teaching in the public school system. This is a topic for another blog post, but suffice it to say, God had been nudging me to leave teaching for quite some time. And I believe He used my son to give me the extra courage I needed.

A year and another miscarriage later, we found out we were pregnant with our daughter. I was 37 and terrified my age and struggle with keeping my babies would cause something to go wrong with this pregnancy too.

Extra medical treatment during this pregnancy was due to my “advanced maternal age.” § But I was thankful for the extra precautions and more regular check-ins. It was a wonderful pregnancy and a beautiful birth.

So jump ahead, I am now almost 40 (just two months away) with two beautiful babies (I will always call them my babies no matter how old they get (5) and I’m a stay-at-home-mom and part-time work-from-home-mom. And although there are a ton of hard moments, I cherish every minute I have with my babies.

But God…

I was the lady that swore I would NEVER be a stay-at-home-mama. I didn’t want to. I wasn’t wired for it. I just knew I would hate it. And yet, God knew better…He knew BEST.

I wish you could have known me before I was married and had kids. I’m not sure you would have liked me. I don’t think I really liked me. But the woman standing before you for I guess I should say, writing before you) today feels right. I feel like I am finally becoming and settling into the woman God always created me to be. And I am confident and excited knowing He’s far from finished.

The more I submit, the more I surrender, the more I say “I trust you, Jesus,” the more beautiful, full, and free my life becomes.

There are so many more details about my story to share with you. But I think this is a great place to start.

Hearing “mama” never gets old for so so many reasons. 💟