Identity ≠ Accomplishments

(Previous blog post from April 2, 2023)

More of my life has been spent with the belief that my accomplishments created my identity than the opposite. I lived thinking and believing that when I accomplished goals, promotions, leading roles, then I was really somebody. If people knew who I was, then I felt good about myself. And if I can be transparent, even typing these words makes me cringe. But it is truly where I found my identity, I just couldn’t admit it when I was in the middle of it.

But what I could tell you all those years was that I was exhausted and never felt enough. I never knew enough, did enough, served enough, created enough, was enough. I was always trying to be a step ahead and a step above. And although it manifested as pride (and it was pride), it was my weak attempt at making sure others found me valuable. Because on my own, I didn’t think I was.

And on a much deeper level, all of this striving communicated that God in me was not enough either.

You might be wondering how I stopped evaluating my identity based on these things.

Well, I wish I could tell you I woke up one morning and had a great revelation that changed my heart and mind to stop all the striving. That is so far from the truth.

Let me back up a little bit and fill you in on a bit more of my story.

I was a secondary, special education teacher for 13 years. And I loved it. And I was good at it. But I made sure I was good at it and was recognized for being good at it. It wasn’t enough for me to just know God had given me a gift for teaching. Nope.

I needed others to validate that.

Then about halfway through those 13 years of teaching, I decided I wanted to pursue seminary. I always knew God was calling me to do more than teach within the public school system. And I was confident it involved some aspect of public ministry. After encouragement from those that knew me well, I began and completed my degree in ministerial leadership while also teaching full-time. Those years in seminary were some o my driest years spiritually (a story for another post). I was so focused on knowledge consumption, doing well, and proving myself that any and all opportunities for intimacy with God were wasted.

After seminary I was convinced I would just be handed the ministry position of my dreams. That was not so much the case. And what did finally develop was a volunteer position doing something I hoped to be paid to do. But I took the opportunity to get experience and in all honesty, make my name known.

Friends, I didn’t do well. It wasn’t so much that I couldn’t do well, but rather I was so focused on proving myself that asking for help or admitting I didn’t know something was not an option. Ugly, I know.

So I resigned from that volunteer position feeling more defeated than ever.

I continued teaching, still knowing God was calling me to more or different.

And it wasn’t until the birth of my firstborn that I gained enough courage to step away from teaching to pursue the “more”. A new opportunity almost immediately presented itself and I was overjoyed. It was all the validation I needed.

It went well for a while. Until it didn’t. It was one of the first times I tackled something that truly would be an appropriate challenge using my gifts.

However, I was in an environment where questions and needing additional support and guidance was not appreciated or encouraged.

This failed experience brought all of my insecurities right back to the surface and the striving to be enough kicked into full force. All my fears of being found to be an imposter, unable, and not enough came right to the surface. Even my ability to hear God’s voice and follow His leading was in question.

At this point in my life, I was just a mom.

I didn’t have an external, important job.

I didn’t have any big accomplishments or achievements.

In fact, everything I had wrapped up into my identity was gone.

And the one thing I always said (prior to having kids) I never wanted to be, I was. A stay-at-home-mom.

Fast forward to today, having been a SAHM for the last few years, I can say with certainty that the road leading up to where I am today is the exact method God needed use to strip me of finding my identity and value in my accomplishments. It was painful, hard, and deeply gut-wrenching at times, but if it is the vehicle God used to bring me to the place I am today, I can say with honesty I would do it all again.

It is my greatest joy to be a mama to my two babies. And having all of the worldly accolades, accomplishments, and roles stripped away, I have my identity anchored solidly in the One who gave me life. And even more, when opportunities do arise for other ways to use my gifts, I can step into those knowing I have nothing to prove because I know who I am. And that is unchanging.

Now let me be clear, I am not saying I wake up every day with pure confidence and peace knowing my identity is solidly in Christ. But because I now have the gift of awareness at where I use to find and place my identity, I can more quickly catch myself when I fall back into that trap. Take a step back. Adjust my focus.

Bathe my heart and mind in truth. And reevaluate my next steps to make sure what I am doing and thinking is aligned with who I am, a daughter of the Most High.

I know who I am. I know what gifts and skills God has given me. And I know living out my identity and using my gifts and skills can look a million different ways. But no matter what that looks like or how well I do, my identity and value will always be found in the One who rescued my soul.