Deeper Than That…
(Previous blog post from August 25, 2023)
Originally, I thought the continued anxiety and unrest was because I was perhaps making the wrong decision for my son.
I don’t know where you’re at in your journey as a mama, but we just crossed the threshold of our oldest starting Kindergarten this year at a new school. Cue the tears. 🥹
As parents, long before it was time for us to even think about kindergarten and where he would go, we already were researching our options and visiting potential schools. I’m a planner. And when it comes to my babies, I’m even more of a planner because I just want the very best for them. That being said, we quickly felt a pull to one specific school. We immediately could see our son there, loving it, and thriving. This educational option came with significant sacrifices on our part (as l’m sure many options do), but we were willing to take that on because it felt like where he was suppose to be. And on top of all of that, it was only a few minutes down the road, which was imbortant to us to have our children in a school directly in our community.
So all that being said, leading up to school beginning and throughout this first week, why have I felt so much anxiety and unrest? I didn’t understand. I’ve spent much of my time home this week praying, reflecting, processing, and seeking God for what was beneath the anxiety and unrest. I think I almost wanted it to be that I was making the wrong educational decision so that I could easily fix it.
The Lord revealed two things…
- He was asking (inviting) me to trust Him exactly where I’m at (where my son is at ) and knowing that in the trusting, he would direct my steps and decisions (for all of us).
- I was having a very hard time giving up control of my baby to someone other than myself, for a significant amount of time.
Ooof! That feels heavier, deeper. I can’t “fix” those things by simply just sending my son somewhere else.
And yet, when He graciously revealed these two areas to me as the sources of my anxiety and unrest, I couldn’t deny them. They are 100% accurate.
Sometimes, it is harder for me to trust and be faithful exactly where I am (where my family is) and surrender it all knowing that if anything needs to be changed or adiusted. He will make that clear. Sometimes, many times, it is more about the fact that I am not in control and as my babies grow that becomes more and more apparent. That is hard. Thev’re my babies. But again, it’s trusting God exactly where my babies are at and surrendering them to Him knowing that He is their ultimate Father and that He will direct my parenting and my decisions for each of them. And even when I am not physically with them every moment, He is.
This is one of the many times lately, that I am learning that rarely does my anxiety come from a circumstance or situation. Instead, my anxiety comes from a place of not fully trusting God and desiring to continue to hold onto the control.
That’s hard to admit. But weirdly, it also brings a ton of relief and freedom.
I think when I associate my anxiety with a circumstance or situation, although | know it makes me feel like I have some sort of control, it also places a lot of pressure in that it feels like it is my responsibility to solve the problem or change the situation.
Where as when I really get to the bottom of where my anxiety is coming from and find its source in an area of disbelief in God, although that’s hard, it also is freeing because my only response has to be to confess it and give it over to His most capable hands. My response is trust and surrender. And then not only does He continue being sovereign, He also transforms my heart and mind to lessen the disbelief with His presence and power. That’s a beautiful gift.
So each dav. I will wake up and say out loud, “I trust you, Jesus. Help me surrender the control I think I have to more fully embrace your sovereignty, goodness, faithfulness, and love. I trust You to guide me and my family according to your will.”